1. Hey, Are you Kim Jong Un? Because I’ve got a rocket I know you’ll love

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un was called ‘Rocket Man’ by U.S President Donald Trump at the UN. Kim’s known to have an unusual fondness for testing rockets and other arsenal – although he’s agreed to put a hold on that after an unprecedented meeting with South Korean President Moon Jae In.

 

2. Why don’t you add me on Facebook, because then I can get all your info

Facebook’s been in the centre of a data leak scandal after it was revealed that now-defunct data firm Cambridge Analytica stole info from millions of Facebook users and used it to influence voters. Mark Zuckerberg was grilled about it in the U.S Congress, has apologised and now started a dating app on Facebook – just to emphasise what an abusive relationship this all is.

 

3. Your eyes are like the ever-changing rules about Aadhaar, I’m completely lost in them

First they tell us we don’t need Aadhaar for everything, then nothing works without it. Then we’re told it’s ok, we’ll work out a compromise. You just need it for welfare schemes. And to get a new SIM. And for your bank account to work. Thankfully the Supreme Court is putting this madness in place.

 

4. Are you Flipkart? Then I’m Walmart because I want to take over you tonight

It’s the biggest takeover in the e-commerce industry and now Walmart will face off with retail giant Amazon in India. Walmart, which has failed to capitalise on the e-commerce boom so far, is hoping that buying majority stake in Flipkart for 3 BILLION dollars will change the storyline for the. Not too bad for the Bansals from Bengaluru.

 

5. Can I borrow your cellphone? I need to call Tripura CM Biplab Deb and tell him I found an Indian beauty

My, my. What can I say about recently elected Tripura CM Biplab Deb? He sparked a controversy when he said that 1997 Miss World winner Diana Hayden did not deserve the crown, as ‘she is not an Indian beauty‘. Ha! Oh and he also believes the only reason she won is because fashion designers in Paris wanted an inroad into the Indian market.

 

6. Are you Nirav Modi? Because you just stole my heart.

Nirav Modi’s sitting pretty, chilling somewhere in New York (?) while everyone else implicated in the 13,000 crore fraud is being brought to task. The fugitive jewellery king is having a gala time leading investigators on a wild goose chase, but here’s hoping he’s brought to justice very soon.

 

7. Call me Salman, because I can get out of any tricky situation you put me in

There was shock and utter disbelief when actor Salman Khan was convicted of killing 2 blackbuck in 1998 and sentenced to 5 years in jail. Shock – because everyone expected to wriggle out of it, just like the hit-and-run case. However, he’s gotten out on bail and is back to shooting – films this time, and not endangered animals.

 

8. My love for you is like Biplab Deb after he became Tripura CM – it defies all logic

‘Internet existed during the Mahabharata’, ‘Only civil engineers can become civil servants’, – these are some of the gems that Deb has shot off in the recent past. He’s becoming the laughing stock of Chief Ministers and was reportedly chastised by the Prime Minister for it.

 

9. Are you part of the Karni Sena? Because when you walked in you just shut down everything around you.

How can we forget the widespread destruction and chaos wrought by the fringe group Karni Sena over the film ‘Padmaavat’? They brought states to their knees and politicians jumped to their defence in the garb of ‘not hurting sentiments’. What did they achieve? National notoriety and the idea that violence can be used to bring about change. Ironic, in a country that is known for its non-violent movement.

 

10. Kiss me if I’m wrong, but Aadhaar is super secure right?

Aadhaar’s been accused of leaky faucet multiple times. And although the UIDAI has vehemently denied it, there’s been multiple instances of PROOF that your Aadhaar details are easily accessible. This is a pretty easy one.

 

11. You’re like demonetisation – I don’t know why, but I’m falling for you

November 8th, 2016 – A date no Indian will ever forget. Why did we stand in never-ending lines to withdraw our own money? They said to end black money menace but we’re yet to see any proof of that. So, yeah all I could see it do was boost the use of digital payment apps.

 

12. Are you Mukesh Ambani’s daughter? Because you’re giving me a reason to live.. cos.. Jio.. geddit?

Ha ha. But Jio’s dominance is no joke. With some insane deals, it’s no wonder that every single Indian is rushing to get their hands on one of these.