If News Were Pick-Up Lines

If you’re coming here from the NewsRap episode, then HELLO FAM! 😀 Here’s the guide to some amaze pick-up lines, all inspired by my favourite thing in the world – The News!

#1: Hey girl, are you China? Because I have some area you can illegally occupy. 


China and India are currently engaged in a diplomatic stand-off at the Indo-China-Bhutan border after Indian troops stopped Chinese Army from constructing a road in the Doklam area in mid-June. China (as usual) claims it belongs to them. Let’s not even get started on China’s claims on the areas in the South China Sea!


#2: Hey girl, you caught my attention faster than Donald Trump can type Covfefe:

When Trump broke the Internet

Trump bewildered the internet with this tweet in May and later deleted it with no explanation whatsoever.  Needless to say, Trump continues to surprise us all. Whoever thought he’d invent a new word? 


#3: You’re so hot, Trump would rejoin the Paris Climate Deal. 

“You think Climate Change exists? SAD!”

Trump backed out of the 2016 Paris Accord on Climate Change which Obama had gotten 195 countries to sign to. The move isolated him at a global stage with the G20 nations reaffirming their allegiance to the Agreement a month after US pulled out.


#4: You remind me of Google in the European Union, cause you’ve got FINE written all over you. 

A not-so-fine relationship

The EU fined Google 2.4 billion Euros for allegedly manipulating search engine results to favour its own shopping service and thereby dominating the world market. The order came after a seven-year investigation by the EU.

#5: Is your name Aadhaar? Because I totally want to hook up with you. 

Here, there everywhere

From the PAN card to your ration card – if you have any official document, chances are you will have to link it with your Aadhaar card.

#6: You know what’s big? The Middle East crisis, you weirdo. 

Literally the worst position to be stuck

Qatar is at an impasse after several Arab nations led by Saudi decided to cut off all diplomatic ties, accusing Qatar of being too close to Iran and supporting terrorism. Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, Egypt and UAE expelled all Qatari nationals, barred Qatar Airways from flying over their airspace and demanding they shut down Al-Jazeera (but y tho).   More like a “You can’t be friends with her!” kind of Mean Girls situation.


#7: I wanna date you like Rahul Gandhi. You know, meet you and then lie about it. 

<How the Congress’ future looks like under my rule. Blurry>

So in the backdrop of the whole tension with China, China reveals that Rahul Gandhi met the Chinese Ambassador. After news channels started picking up the news, China took down the info. Congress denied everything and ridiculed the media. By evening, Rahul himself admitted the meeting took place and then said “Why make a big deal out of it?”. But why not Rahul, why naaaaaht.

#8: Girl are you Mangalayaan? Because you’re out of this world. 

“Wheee, look at me MOM. Oh wait, I am MOM. Mid-galactic crisis”

India’s Mangalyaan (or Mars Orbiter Mission) was launched in September 2014 and is still orbiting Mars. So many milestones: 1st Asian nation to be in the Mars orbit, 1st nation in THE WORLD to do so on the first attempt. And at Rs 450 crores, it is the cheapest Mars Mission till date.  Super proud moment for India. We are best.


#9: Are you part of the GJM? Because you’re stopping everything around here. 

Gorkha Janmukti Morcha  torch buses
Fire on the mountain. Run, run, run.

The Gorkha Janmukti Morcha has been protesting in West Bengal since June, demanding for a separate Gorkhaland. They declared a 2 week long bandh in Darjeeling and even protested in Delhi. Several deaths, police clashes and disruption of the usually tranquil hill life has marred the ongoing protests. The Mamata Govt has not engaged in talks with protesters yet.


#10: You can call me Germany because I got these biceps lifting Greece out of debt. 


Germany played a massive role in brokering a deal with debt-ridden Greece. The deal helped avoid the collapse of the European Union. But with Brexit bulldozing its way in shortly thereafter, you realise – you win some, you lose some. Also, Merkel is bae. Here’s why. 


#11: You know why why they call me Kim Jong Un? Because you never know who my next target is. 

“Look at my shiny toys, fools!”

Kim Jong Un has made no bones about how much he hates South Korea. Or America. Or any other country for that matter. He continues to publish outlandish articles about himself and launches missiles into the ocean, some falling dangerously close to the Russian coast. He even launched one on July 5, calling it an “Independence Day Gift” to U.S.

#12: Girl, are you the Bellandur lake? Because you’re on fire. 

“I set fire…. to the foam.”

Sigh. This highly polluted lake in Bengaluru has frothed and gone ablaze. Not once. Not twice, but several times over. Efforts are on to clean it up but the biblical curse of a “lake of fire” comes eerily alive here.

#13: You remind me of Trump’s son. Because you’ve got some secrets I’d love to see. 

“My dads says dumb stuff sometimes.”

Donald Trump Jr landed himself in a major controversy after revealing that he colluded with Russian officials to get “damaging information” on Hillary Clintion ahead of the 2016 Presidential elections. Remember the allegations of a Russian interference in the elections? Well, ex-FBI director James Comey must be grabbing popcorn right about now.

#14: Girl are you the Mahagathbandhan? Because you look like you’re falling apart and I can fix you. 


Could the Grand Alliance of Nitish Kumar and Lalu Yadav in Bihar be in crisis? Maybe, since Lalu and his family being charged with corruption hurts Nitish Kumar’s ‘Mr. Clean’ Image. The BJP is waiting hungrily on the sidelines, looking for any opening to avenge that humiliating defeat in Bihar.

#15: I thought you were the French President’s wife. Because you’re in such good shape. 

“Look at me all behaved, grabbing you by the hand instead”

Trump’s “compliment” when he met French President Macron’s wife on an official visit to Paris. “You’re in good shape”.

What did she look like? A pizza?


Here’s a guide on how to deliver the lines in the creepiest way possible. (You’re welcome) 😀


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